I know that anonymity is the foundation of our spiritual program. However I do not speak for either step program I am a part of. I can just speak from my experiences thus far.
I am still sober 4.5 years later from booze and drugs. I worked the 12 steps diligently and found some degree of peace in that work. I continue to do inventory, pray, and attend meetings in AA, although less frequently than I use to. I have tried to sponsor men but they have all gone out on me. My ego wants to make it my fault but its not, I know this. Early on when i stopped drinking I had the gift of desperation and tried to put all the fires out at once but the largest at this time was drinking. Lurking in the shadows like a beast licking its chops was my lust addiction.
I have always been a lust driven male. It just really came into its own when I stopped drinking. Although I was able to connect with my higher power I also was disconnecting with everything around me by acting out with a coworker of mine. For 5 years I lied, hid the truth, stole time from everyone and everything to be in my lust addiction. I was unable to grasp the impact and consequences of my actions. I could understand from an intellectual level what might happen but I could not feel what that pain might be should this behavior spill over into my real life. My double life.
May 25th 2014 was the day my wife discovered I had been having an affair for 5 years. With a coworker that she knew well. A woman that posed as a family friend as I did to hers. We watched each others kids, attending birthday parties, my wife and the other woman ran a 1/2 marathon together. Everybody was in shock. I had resolve but wanted to keep my drug of choice, lust to fight with. I was able to keep her at bay for 6 weeks. I didn't want to lose the acting out , i just wanted everything to go back to normal. By normal I meant being able to act out in secret, being disconnected from life , and being able to resume my appearance of golden boy at work, super coach to my youth teams, and good enough husband and father at home. My wife gave me a three point ultimatum.
- Get a new job (my acting out partner was my coworker)
- find a therapist that specializes in sexual addiction
- move out
For 6 months I did not achieve any of these things and guess what? My acting out resumed once again. slowly at first from 6 weeks to 1month to gradually shorter periods between incidents. I was hiding this, not being truthful. Dishonest, and ashamed, confused, knowing i can't stop, feeling powerless, continuing into the abyss.
Its 3am, my wife beats me, i deserve far worse. She asks if I have been fucking the other woman again I say no, she says don't lie to me. I try to lie, she goes ballistic. My kids wake up my oldest comprehends that daddy has cheated and with whom, he is so sad and emotional. He can't even go to school the next day. My mother comes over the next day to watch the boys, take them to school, and to watch my 3 month old.
Friday was miserable at work. I get nothing done. My mind is racing. I tell my coworker what happened and the its only a matter of time before her husband finds out. She needs to go to him, to tell him in person what has happened or what's been happening. She leaves, the day is awash with panic. I get home, my mom and son look like they have been crying with puffy eyes. My 3 month old is sort of wondering who are these people watching me today. I go to my son who is in shock and I tell him that I am so sorry and that I will do anything to make it up to him. He says "good I have thought about it and you don't talk to the other woman, you don't see the other woman, and anything you do won't be with her. " How can I argue with my 9 yr old whose face is puffy from crying. My mother and wife tell me he was talking all day about how he wanted to kill the other woman. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I am this big of an asshole. I just broke my sons heart. Six months ago it was my wife and my in laws hearts. This day many more hearts shattered.
Luckily Friday is therapy day for my son so he wrote a lengthy letter to the other woman. I am truly grateful for his therapist and that he has a safe place to talk under professional guidance. I head to a meeting. This is a new group i have started to attend and I really like the steady hand of the chair person who has 18 months. I am able to tell my story or bring light to the situation. I am in pain but I am also surrounded by support. The meeting ends and I get to attend dinner with 13 others in recovery. I am truly grateful for their fellowship.
I remembered that I still had a dildo in the back of my car that used a day before on my coworker. IT was a birthday gift from April of 2014. I wanted to hide it and instead I told on myself to another friend in recovery. He said lets burn it our back or throw it in a dumpster and that is exactly what we did. He came out with me made sure I followed through in 8 degree weather. WE hugged and I left dinner. This was an act of power, a statement to the universe that I was willing to let go of things that brought me false joy. I head to my new residence at my mothers house.
When I arrive I am exhausted from all the trauma, emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. I want to go to bed. My mother, step father, and sister are in the living room and want to talk. My mother has been neutral since this came out six months ago but she is upset this time. She can remain silent no further. She tells me how much I have hurt her, my relationship with my son, my wife, etc... She said how much a relationship with the other woman would destroy all that was good in my life. I would have an ex wife that would be out for revenge her whole life. I would have boys that felt I chose her over them. (to large degree I already had) I would have a mother that would not want to relate and understand the other woman and my relationship. She could not be supportive of this poor move. It was indeed an intervention. This is what i needed to hear, this is what I had asked for. More pain, candid and brutal honesty, my higher power working through my son and my mother. Thank you higher power. She offers me free rent, she says i need to resign, she offers me food and shelter. She says resign and find a new career and job. Get distance from the mistake and the temptation. Am I willing to go to any lengths?
I hate that pain is the catalyst. I hate that pain is the wrapping around gifts. I accept my gift. I want to be well. I find resolve. I am offered an opportunity to change, to break free, a window, a cubic centimeter of chance. I am going to take it......
I awake for a 7 am meeting. Its November 15th 2014. I am able to hear another man give his first step who struggles with acting out with women that aren't his wife. He is a friend, I hear his pain and my pain. The meeting ends, another friend who is acting out and cannot stop pulls me aside to chat and tell me how captivated he is by my story he heard last night. He meets with his sponsor, i go to breakfast to meet mine. I tell my sponsor what has happened. He is in pain hearing my story. I am grateful for his steady hand. I need to call the other woman and tell her its over. He joins me for that call. I tell her its done, there is no more us....... one moment at a time. My goal is to get my life back and to work the program. I have the gift of AA insight into the steps but I look forward to whats revealed in the SA steps........
Amen.
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