As it turns out, my acting out partner was acting out with way more than me. At least this is what her husband and my wife want me to believe. Either way it doesn't matter but, I do want to know the truth of her.
I really felt that her and I had an understanding that it was okay to see and be sexually intimate with others. The only caveat was we had to be open and honest about it. If it is true that she had more partners and didn't tell me I would be hurt. If she is truthful and didn't have more and my wife and her husband made it up then I would have some peace of mind. Knowing that what we had was more than sex, that I mattered enough to be honest would be nice. Knowing that I truly was worthy of being respected by her with honesty.
The reality is finding out the truth (seeing her) would hurt my family. It would hurt my wife, it would hurt my son, it would hurt my mother, it would hurt other family members. It would also make me a liar once again as I promised these people that I would never see, talk, or have anything to do with this woman.
I truly do not want to go back on my word to people that matter most to me, that I want to have true loving intimacy with my family. Yet the pull to know the truth is strong. I can't really identify why knowing the truth matters to me. There were substantial feelings with my acting out partner but these will go away with time and I know the only thing that will make this go away is time.
B-Steps
Thanks again for your honesty, Bob. I think that the pull might be there, but it might be best to steer clear of more emotional wreckage. It's another way to get back into the drama of it all, and that seems to be what you are trying to avoid. I think that you are wise to not go back on your word. Focusing on your family and trying to heal the wounds there might be more beneficial use of your time than hunting down more dirt on your acting out partner.
ReplyDeleteI can see that things are still very raw and open right now. These things do settle down and heal, as long as honesty is at the top of the list. Believe me when I say this ;)
All the best, kind sir.
Paul