What am I feeling?

One thing that I have always tried to do is run from is my feelings. I think perhaps I am overly sensitive thus, I never could handle the waves of emotion coming to me through my life. First as a child of a divorce, and angry adolescent, a confused young adult, as a detached husband, and as an inept parent. These are the reasons I drank, drugged, and acted out sexually. So today I wanted to proclaim my intention to be rooted in reality and feel my emotions, all of my range of emotions.

Today I feel lonely because I have hurt my best friend & Wife through selfish actions, physical attacks, and harsh words. None of these things I can ever take back which I regret. I also was receiving harsh words and constant negative energy from her  so we agreed we wouldn't communicate under the auspices of "needing space".

To be candid I don't like the space because perhaps I can realize (feel) the full weight of my addiction and the damage I have caused to so many people.  My addictive actions created this need for space. I feel bad for my mistakes. Perhaps guilt more than shame but wanting joy rather than sorrow. Sorrow is a good word. Sorrow is the pool in which I wade. I want to heal, I want her to heal. I don't want to be attached to needing her approval, anybodies approval, just my higher powers approval. I want my boys to be well adjusted, to feel love, support, and can trust in their father. I want her to realize the best version of herself and I am not sure I can help cultivate that in her.

I also feel a bit lost and uncertain. I said it would be 30, then 60, then 90 before I got a new position that I could respect, enjoy, embrace, thrive, and meet my obligations in. Here i am over 90 and only being able to procure part time work. I can't even define what it is that I want to do. I don't even know what I want to do with respect to my marriage. I guess the benefit here is that I know that If I keep showing up, doing the work of recovery, these questions will be answered and I do trust in this process. I have to. At least one thing is true I don't have to do this in isolation. I have plenty of fellows that I support and that support me.

Regards,

B. Steps